Friday, January 9, 2015

The Time I Went Demented On Myself

 So the letters weren't working know....the letters to god where you greet him first, ask about his well-being then mention your problems & ask him to solve them. of course at the end I'd never forgot to mention that I (whiny,miserable,messy kid) may soon join him if the letter went unanswered. 
Initially there was a lot of confusion regarding the mode of delivery of the letter. I tried the one where I threw it out of the window on a windy night, putting the wind on charge for its safe delivery to god. when one day while playing around the building I stumbled to a sheet of paper lying on the ground with my signature at the end. the irresponsible behavior of the wind made me look for other options.

I succeeded in finding a shortcut, right in my home, the wooden miniature temple where the photo frames of various gods, calenders of years gone by, silver idol of lord Krishna & a plaster of paris idol of lord Shiva were kept. the temple was decorated with various glittery mata ki chunnis under which I slipped my letter.
 fast forward to some days, my mom during one of the temple cleaning days got hold of my secret letter. fortunately due to my mom's lack of confidence in reading English words (she can read some small words but she tries to avoid any encounters with English,afraid she would sound silly .) I was able to convince her that it was one of the pages of my some notebook. 
As mentioned at the start after a while the letters didn't bore any result, that's when I decided I needed to take some extreme steps. to make the almighty realize that those threats weren't bogus. 
I took one birthday candle, lit it & tilted it on my arm. a drop of hot melted wax dripped on my arm. it felt like as if a needle pierced my skin. the sensation lasted only some seconds & then it became normal. as it happens, the spot where the liquid wax dropped was now covered with solid white wax which I scrubbed off. the skin was reddish. I did two more times at various spots on my arm. I liked that sweet painful experience. it became my little stunt.

But like always, my mother noticed the burn mark on my hand & I had to let go of that 'fun burn' activity. as I became more mature (or immature) I grew fond of drugs,alcohol & smoking. no, I never did any of it in reality. I just liked it from the movies. drinking alcohol & dancing the night away. sniffing drugs & not giving any damn about the world. the cool process of smoking- first tapping it two times on the knee, lighting it up then the real thing. how can it not seem so attractive.      

From the sources (my school mates) I got to know that sniffing whitener also has the same effect as drugs. I sniffed it... nothing happened. then I don't know what was going on in my mind I popped half a piece of an expired medicine tablet in my mouth. there was no reaction & I got bored of that too.

In self hate I was doing self harm. I soon put an end to it & put my mind somewhere where it was needed the most, in self love. it took some time but it was worthwhile & risk free. 

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